The Hanging Chad

OK, who wasn't sick of hearing about those damn "hanging chads" a few years ago?  I know I was.  Don't worry, this isn't going to be a political post or anything like that.  What this is; however, is a post about me and who I am today.

Growing up and in high school, I had a very cavalier, screw you, attitude.  I was confident and strong and not afraid to take on anyone or anything.  Ya, I had my problems (and plenty of them), but I was ready to take on the world.  Then I went to college and met him.

I dated a him off and on for three years and he broke me.  Have you ever heard the song "Gravity" by Sara Bareilles?  The lyrics say "You loved me cause I'm fragile when I thought I was strong. But you touch me for a little while, and all my fragile strength is gone."  And that is how it was.  I was strong when I was away from him, but he was always just around the corner to bring my back down.  At first, I was so in love with him, and then I was afraid to be without him, and then it got to the point where I didn't think I was worthy of anyone else but did want to be alone.



I was with him until the day before I met B.  That was the day that I found another girl's things in his apartment.  I broke that day.  Shattered.  I realized that I was not the person I wanted to be and that I needed to be me and that I needed to be away from him, forever.

A lot of that changed when I met B.  He came in and was like some super glue putting me back together.  He knew all of the baggage that I carried.  He knew all of my trust issues and fears and still decided that he wanted to be with me and keep me and help me with all of my issues.

That was 5.5 years ago and some days I still have moments.  That's when I feel like the hanging chad.  I feel like I am so strong and happy and then I have a day and I feel like all of me is put back together except for the hanging chad.  I admit that I am a jealous person.  Umm, have you seen B?  You'd be jealous too.  I look at that man and all of the wonderful things that he is and does and I can't help but think that someone wouldn't want to be with him.  I hate that I sometimes feel like he has some pull over me, but he changed me and I hate him for that.  But I love B for always having patience with me and putting up with all of my crazy and all of my "chad" days.