In The Interest of Honest and Transparenty . . .

I am tired.  I mean, completely spent.  My life has changed a lot in the last year and I am exhausted.  I can barely keep my mind straight these days so we're going to bullet point this stuff.

• LB isn't sleeping through the night.  Sometimes he only wakes 1-2 times a night, but mostly it's 2-3 and sometimes even 4 times a night.  I am exhausted and, with being back to work, I can't catch up during the day.  B and I got into a habit of me waking up with LB in the night when I wasn't working.  However, now I am working and guess who is still getting up?  ME!  B claims that he wakes every time the boy wakes, but he doesn't because he's always snoozing away when I come and go from the room.
• I am tired of living with a partner only half of the time.  Yes, I am very lucky to have my husband in this life.  I am incredibly blessed with an amazing husband who is a wonderful father and loves me and LB very much.  However, B has a year of school left so I am basically by myself half the week.  I have so much respect for single parents and how they do it all. 
• I am tired of my best friends living so far away.  They live in Michigan, Missouri, DC and Texas.  Yes, I have lots of friends here, but I miss my besties so much.
• I am tired of not having time for everything and everyone.  I feel like things are always falling through the cracks.  I just want my life to be orderly again and I fear that my life will never be orderly again.
• I am tired of being overwhelmed.  I am having trouble being in the moment and not letting everything hit me all at once.  However, that is what is happening.  Everything hits me all at once and I just have trouble dealing sometimes.
• That leads to anxiety.  I am tired of feeling anxious about everything.  LB wants to sleep on his tummy these days and I am terrified about it.  He's 6 months old (tomorrow, I'm waiting until after his dr appointment for his update), can move around, can roll over and doesn't seem to hate it, but I feel the need to roll him over.
• I am tired of not being able to talk to B about work.  We work for the same company now and I see so many of the things he has told me about in him.  I can't talk to him about any frustration I have because I get no empathy of sympathy.  All I get is "Don't show weakness" or "Ya, that's just how it is" or I start to feel like he devalues what I am doing because I am not on his side of the company.  So, what do I do?  I've stopped talking to him about work.  I just can't deal with it right now.
• Which leads me to why I am frustrated at work.  I am frustrated that I am not getting things perfect.  I am still learning the software and how to work it all.  I haven't been taught everything and a lot of the things I haven't been taught are things that I think have become such second nature to people that it is just what they do, so you can't fault anyone for that.  I also am unsure how comfortable to get with the software because it is going to be upgraded soon and things will change.  I am really enjoying my job and any frustration I have is me and no one else.  Not the work or the people, but my frustration with me not doing the job perfectly yet.  That is hard for me to accept.
• The plight of a parent is having to choose between what you want to do and what you should do.  Sometimes I want to be selfish, but I can't. Sometimes I want to just plop on the couch and be lazy, but I need to go work out or take a shower or do some housework.  Sometimes I just want to be alone or have some time to myself, but I can't.  And that is ok.  I wouldn't trade my life for anything.  I love my husband and I love my son, but sometimes you just want some me time.  
• I am tired of forgetting everything and feeling inadequate and missing my family and friends.  Sometimes I wonder if I'm ever going to feel like myself again.  Sometimes I wonder if I'm all of a sudden dealing with some postpartum depression.  Sometimes I think I'm just having a bad day.
• I am tired of feeling like a bad mom.  LB has a rash all over his body.  We've taken him to the doctor so many times and they keep telling us the same thing "It's dry skin. It's patchy and red and it's eczema.  I know it is. That isn't the worst thing in the world.  I have a little eczema on my arms.  I'm hoping that maybe changing to a milder detergent and being extra careful to keep him all greased up.  I love that little boy so much and I know that I do everything that I can to keep him healthy, but I just feel like I'm doing something bad or wrong or failing some how.
• I am tired of feeling like I have no more to give anyone and that I can't give 100% to anyone.  It hurts when I feel like that.  I was always the do everything gal and now I feel like I'm always letting someone down.  I can't conform to other people's plans anymore.  I don't have the flexibility that I used to have anymore.  That's ok.  People have to understand.  And if they don't, screw them.